Where's the Married Sex?

"Love" by Marc Chagall

Not for young readers.

Last night, my husband and I were watching the Ridley Scott film Kingdom of Heaven, starring Orlando Bloom. It's a very interesting movie, set in Jerusalem during the Middle Ages, one of my favorite time periods to study. We enjoyed it very much, but there was one element of the movie that really bugged us--and it wasn't the blood and guts. What bothered me is that this is the second Ridley Scott film I have seen where the central love story is about a formerly happily married man (now widower) having an illicit affair with a married woman. Certainly, two isolated incidents of this would not be a big deal. After all, this admittedly happened in the Middle Ages, parituclarly among the aristocracy and landed gentry and ancient Rome (the other film was Gladiator).

What bothered me was the realization that you never see a happily married couple passionately falling into bed in a Hollywood movie--or pretty much any movie for that matter. What we do see of blissful marriage is what we find in these Scott films: a brief flashback with no dialogue to a woman standing in a field, smiling joyfully at her adoring husband. Love, certainly, but no passion. No irresistable desire. No sex. Most of the time, married couples are portrayed as loveless and bored, and the only passion to be found is outside of marriage.

It's not so bad that extramarital sex is portrayed in films. Art holds a mirror up to nature, and sadly, this is the stuff our society is made of. It has been asserted that approximately 40% of wives and maybe as high as 65% of husbands will have become extramaritally involved by the age of 40. Add to this the rampant promiscuity we find before marriage--95% of adults by age 30, according to one source--and we find that what we see in the movies is, well, what we are. To hide the fact would be dishonest and a sham cover-up for what we all know is going on. However, when we fail to show the alternative, that smaller but very real portion of happy marriages, in the media, then we are selling the lie that marriage can never be emotionally and sexually fulfilling.

The ideal love affair is viewed as being between two people who *cannot* have each other, yet cannot seem to resist each other, and so they fall into each other's arms, against their better judgment and at the expense of their morals, only to "discover" that their love is more powerful and more important than virtuous behavior. Or so Hollywood would have us believe. This perpetuates the myth that "falling in love" is more important or superior to sacrificially loving, a lie that Christian absolutely cannot condone if they hold to the words of Christ. Moreover, it seems to imply that we have no control over falling in love. True, we have little control over what we feel, but we have control over the situations we place ourselves in and the way we respond to our feelings. With the image of extramarital sex as honest, natural, and fulfilling saturating the media (juxtaposed against an image of marriage as confining, boring, and passionless) is it any wonder that a married person indoctrinated by this lie would surrender willingly to an extramarital affair?

The one movie I can think of that stands in stark contrast to this is The Painted Veil, starring Naomi Watts and Edward Norton. In this film, the wife does have an affair in the beginning of their loveless marriage (well, loveless at least on her part), but she comes to realize that the affair was not the true love story she thought it to be. Furious and heartbroken upon discovering her infidelity, her husband, a bacteriologist, demands that she accompany him to rural China to deal with a cholera outbreak; if she refuses, he threatens to publicly divorce her, a tremendous shame to any woman in the 1920s, when the movie is set. Kicking and screaming, she goes with him, but in the process of living in this difficult place with this man who shows her no more affection, the wife, Kitty, grows in her own humanity, and she and her husband are reconciled through forgiveness. At this point, there is a beautiful (and by no means graphic) scene where the husband and wife fall passionately into each other's arms and into bed.

Interestingly, the book by W. Somerset Maugham has no such reconciliation, and Kitty later returns to the city only to fall back in bed with her former lover (who is also married). So, the scene of passion between a married couple, in the case of The Painted Veil is entirely an invention of Hollywood, well at least of the team that made this movie.

Sadly, The Painted Veil is merely a lone beacon in the darkeness. In countless other films, we are being sold the lie and the image that premarital sex and adultery are more satisfying, more passionate, and "truer" than sex within marriage. Is it any wonder that chastity is thought a quaint and out-dated idea in our day? Is it any wonder that time and again, a blind eye is turned when a married man or woman walks out on their family for their lover? Is it any wonder that even within the Church, the rates of divorce and affairs are no different than they are in the world? Is it any wonder that those of us who insist that our husbands do not cheat, do not look at pornography, and repent if they even "check out" another woman on the street are mocked and ridiculed for our naivity?

I'm not saying that everyone needs to immediately cancel their Netflix subscriptions, tear up their Blockbuster cards, and throw away their Cinemark gift certificates. I admit that I enjoy many movies that are selling this lie, such as Chocolat, Memoirs of a Geisha, and, Walk the Line. Some people may choose to stop watching such movies if they feel they are drawn into temptation by them, but I don't think that this is the only option. Frankly, I deal with this stuff among my closest friends and even my closest relatives, so turning off the TV is not going to rid me of the image or the lie. Rather, I think we need to recognize how prevalently this lie is perpetuated in the media, not just in film but in print. We need to acknowledge it, address it, really talk about it, and hold one another accountable to not giving into it. I would also encourage anyone in the film industry (I have several friends who are) to seek to follow the example of the Painted Veil, and give us a few more beacons in the dark that show how married love really can be exciting and passionate and sexy.

Meanwhile, happily married folks, keep loving each other and sharing your love openly with those who doubt that passion within marriage can exist. I'm not saying to go make out in a restaurant (I've had the misfortunate of witnessing just such a display on several occassions, and it really ruins your appetite), but don't be ashamed if the kids catch you kissing. Don't be so afraid to let the neighbors see you hold hands or embrace in public. This is the stuff of happy marriages, and if the world doesn't see it, how will they know it exists, when so many sources are telling them that it doesn't? Chastity does not have to be equated with frigidness. In addition, take precautions to safeguard your marriage. You'll probably get made fun of or thought to be really weird, but the end result--a long and faithful marriage--will be worth it.

Talk with your spouse about how you can best safeguard your relationship, in your situation. My husband and I cc each other on all but work emails exchanged with members of the opposite sex, unless we've discussed the situation previously. I always tell my husband if an old boyfriend has contacted me through Instant Messenger or Facebook. (I was his first girlfriend, so he doesn't accord me the same honor.) We also try to avoid driving or otherwise being alone with a member of the opposite sex, and when such situations become unavoidable, we call each other first to make sure it's alright. I remember my husband's coworkers made terrible fun of him once for "asking permission," but he just shrugged and said, "Yeah, but she never has to question where I am, who I'm with, or what I'm doing with them." That silenced his friends real quickly; they had all had such fights with their significant others.

We're not going to get rid of the lies--too many people live by them already. But, we can control how we are affected by them and to what extent we will succumb to them. Let us hold to the Word of God, hold each other accountable, and hold to the promise that "the truth will set [us] free."