Preparing for Marriage

Yesterday, I asked the following questions:

If you are married, how did you prepare for marriage--or did you? What advice would you give to an engaged or courting couple to help them prepare for married life? If you're engaged or courting, what sort of advice would you like to have as you prepare for marriage?

Your responses were wonderful; thank you for chiming in, those who did. And, now here is my follow-up post.

Obviously, I am not a pastor or a counselor of any kind; I have only been married three-and-a-half years and am quite young; I am not an expert on what it takes to make a marriage last. What I offer, I do so from the wise words of women more experienced than myself, from my own experiences as a young wife, and as a lifelong student of humanity and of God's Word. Please keep in mind that I am writing from the perspective of a Catholic Christian. What I have to say will be reflective of this. Finally, this is not a comprehensive list of all one should do prepare for marriage. In any case, I humbly pray it may bless some of my readers, particularly those of you who are preparing to enter into the Holy Sacrament of Marriage.

So, in no particular order:

1. Discern your vocation. Nowadays, most people think that you decide to pursue marriage when you meet the right person. I know this is going to sound wholly unromantic of me, but it is my firm belief that the best way to prepare for marriage is to do so regardless of whether or not you have actually met Mr. or Mrs. Right. What do I mean by that?
   
   Marriage is a vocation, a calling from God. It is something that He either will or will not call you to. Many people do not understand their marriage this way and it is, I believe, the biggest reason that marriages are entered into without appropriate sobriety and later abandoned without regard, these days. If we understand our marriages to be vocations, then we may discern the calling long before we meet the person God is preparing to be our spouse. In this way, we prepare for our own roles as wife or husband; we prepare ourselves spiritually and mentally for the magnitude of the commitment we will be making; we prepare our hearts to remain steadfast even when the storms come; we maintain purity in our lives because we are waiting to give ourselves wholly unblemished to our future spouse.



2. Consider the Source (or rather, the Spouse). You've discerned your vocation; you've fallen in love...but is this the right person for you to marry? My best advice to find out: see how he or she treats "undesireables." How does he treat his unstable mother? How does she treat her overbearing father? How does he react to his micromanaging boss? What does she have to say about the friend who let her down? Rememeber that someday, when the bloom wears off the rose, you may end up being "undesireable #1." Can your marriage survive that? Look at other relationships, as well. Does your future spouse make the effort to show love even to those he or she is angry or disappointed with? Or, does he or she treat those people with contempt? Does he have a penchant for springing rather nasty practical jokes on his friends? Has she cheated on a boyfriend in the past? Does he get angry with anyone who tries to criticize or correct him? Does she gossip mercilessly about her family and friends? Of course, we all have our bad days, and we all make mistakes; but look for trends. Be honest about what you see.



3. You marry a family. When you marry, you don't just marry your spouse; you marry into a family. Get to know your future in-laws. Determine whether or not you wish to be a part of that family. Would you take care of your aging mother-in-law with a goodwill in future years? Stand by the reprobrate brother-in-law? What about holiday traditions, or familial expectations? Can you handle the form of communication that is practiced in that family? I had to consider very carefully whether I would want to marry my husband knowing that he is an only child; since I am an only child myself, this meant I would never have a sister- or brother-in-law, a neice or nephew; our children will never have aunts or uncles or cousins. This was a big sacrifice for me, but one that I was willing to make, with my eyes open.
   
   Note: Also be sure the discuss boundaries for family after marriage. As much as you marry into an existing family, you will also be creating an entirely new family: you, your spouse, and your children. Be sure that your parents and siblings understand that your primary loyalty is now to your spouse and that you will have in-laws to consider in addition to your birth family. I would advise avoiding discussing your marriage with your families after marriage. Sometimes its hard to break those ties and you want to run to Mom or your sister or Dad for help; but your spouse is the one you should turn to. Establishing these boundaries and maintaining them can be difficult, but it's worth it to start out on the right foot and be clear about expectations with all family members.



4. Defining Roles. Get really honest with yourself, and start thinking about the mundane tasks of life. Are there certain things you assume a husband should do? Certain things you presume fall under a wife's jurisdiction? If there are, you must be honest with your future spouse about these expectations or you are going to find yourselves sorely disappointed. Meanwhile, get cracking on those tasks that fall into your domain. Learn how to take care of a household, balance a budget, and cook decent, nutritious meals (or whatever your "role" may call for). Be sure that between the two of you, the household is going to run smoothly. If neither of you can cook, you're either going to blow your budget or end up very hungry. If neither of you knows how to do basic household maintenance, you'll have to budget for hiring plumbers and other services to keep your household from falling apart. Communication is key!
   
   Be open to adjusting your expectations if that is what is needed in your particular situation. Remember, you are called to be the husband or wife to your particular spouse, not to someone else's cookie-cutter paragon; your life situation may call for you to step into roles that you would have thought were not "acceptable" for your gender in marriage. Remember that we are helpers suited to our own spouses; just as each spouse is different, so our help may look different in different households.



5. Money Matters. It's thoroughly unromantic, but then again, so is much of life! The #1 reason for divorce in America, particularly among couples under the age of 40 is "financial problems." How does your fiance handle money--frugal to a fault, or like it grows on trees? How does your fiance react when money is tight--budget responsibly and bear it well, or become moody or even antagonistic? What sort of financial situation can you foresee due to your future spouse's career? (Obviously, this can change dramatically over the course of a marriage, but it's foolish to presume you will be able to lead the life of a doctor's wife if you're married to a schoolteacher. Be realistic, and be honest with yourself if this is the sort of financial situation you wish to marry into.)
   
   Consider whether you have the finances to marry at this time--could you afford to provide for children, should you become pregnant soon after your marriage--always a distinct possibility if you are having sex, regardless of your family planning choices.
   
   How do the two of you communicate about finances? Is this an area you need to work on? Do you have different spending habits? What sorts of things do you take for granted you will be able to purchase? Do you have compatible expectations for spending and budgeting?
   
   Ask the hard questions and, again, be brutally honest with yourself. None of us wants to be mercenary, but the truth is that money does affect our lives in major ways, and it does no one any good if you aren't being honest about your expectations in this area.



6. Prioritize. If you want your marriage to be its healthiest, you will want to remember these 5 priorities (in order): God, Spouse, Children, Home, Others.
   
   God comes first. Period. More to the point, God is a member of your marriage. God ought to be, in fact, the apex and center of your marriage. A Christian marriage, as I said above, is a vocation, and its primary objective is for the two spouses to move each other ever closer to God as they encourage each other ever more to holiness.
   
   Next priority: spouse. This is the person God has created and formed to be your other half. He or she is not your roommate, not your business partner: your soulmate. Your life decisions should reflect this. Take care that your words and actions match up in reflecting this to your spouse. Remember that men and women show and perceive love in very different ways. Find out how to best communicate your love to your spouse. Remember that Ephesians 5 calls a woman to submit to her husband a husband to love his wife as Christ loves the Church. These commands are not culturally irrelevant--they are so relevant, I can't even begin to get into it in the space allotted here. Suffice it to say, if you don't buy these verses, study them, pray about them; I trust that God will turn your heart to embrace the wisdom contained in His Word.
   
   Next comes children. Notice, I list children after spouse. Lots of people might think this is absurd or even cruel, but if you want to have a healthy marriage, I assure you it is essential. Of course, sometimes your children's immediate needs will come before your spouse's, in the short term, but your priority must be your marriage. Remember that a healthy marriage is the greatest gift you can give to your child. Remember, too, that your children are only with you for 18 years; at the end of that, your marriage still has to be standing (preferably thriving), or it will simply fall apart.
   
   Your next priority is your home. I won't go into too much detail here, but the Scriptures make it clear that the wife is to be the keeper of the home and the husband it's provider. This doesn't mean that husbands can never wash the dishes or cook supper (just ask my husband what he does when I'm in the first trimester of pregnancy) or that the wife can never bring home the bacon. What it does mean is that the wife is called to manage her household, which may involve plenty of delegation, and that the husband is meant to be sure that the family is financially provided for, whether by his paycheck or a combination of his and his wife's. It really is more about responsibility than roles, at heart. However, often the roles in a household will reflect the responsibilities of the spouses. Just remember, between you both, that if the household is not functioning properly, it's time to straighten out your priorities again; cut back on outside commitments and reestablish a healthy, thriving home for your family to flourish in.
   
   If all these things are in their proper places, then there is opportunity to invest in hobbies, friendships, careers, etc. But, keeping these priorities in order really will bless your marriage and your life!



7. Pray every day. When my husband and I married, we committed to praying together every single evening before going to bed. Except for a two-day period last summer when my husband was out of town and had no access to a telephone, we have never failed to do this, even when apart. Not only does it keep God at the center of our marriage, it is a daily exercise in growing and strengthening our relationship and a valuable protection against "letting the sun go down upon our anger," which Scripture warns us is how Satan loves to get a foothold in our lives. Additionally, when you are praying with and for each other, you remember that your spouse is only human, needing God just as much as you do. It helps to keep your perspective when your spouse disappoints you in some way--and even gives you something to pray about that evening! You may choose morning prayers instead of bedtime ones, but whatever you do, make a commitment and never waiver on it.



8. Safeguard your marriage. Get serious about boundaries. If you're a Christian couple, you likely set physical and emotional boundaries up for yourselves prior to marriage. Once you're married, you need to put up boundaries around your marriage to protect it from infidelity. We are sexual beings; no matter how good you or your spouse is, temptation abounds. I have seen too many good Christians fall into the trap of infidelity because they simply didn't prepare for the potentiality.
   
   Some examples from my own marriage: My husband and I always cc each other when we email someone of the opposite sex. We always ask each other first if we can meet alone with a member of the opposite sex; this includes car rides. Honestly, this rarely happens at all, and we always respect each other's wishes and feelings in this regard. We do not typically maintain close friendships with members of the opposite sex. We never discuss our marriage or intimate subjects with members of the opposite sex, and we never share things with members of the opposite sex that we have not shared with each other.
   
   What set your relationship with your fiance apart from other relationships? Take care not to establish a similar relationship extramaritally. And, I'm not primarily talking about physical stuff. Did you and your husband fall for each other because you went hiking together, or because you loved to discuss literature or current events? Don't start doing those things with someone else of the opposite sex and assume you won't fall again.



9. Do not expect your fiance to change after marriage. Does your fiance love to hole up and play video games after a hard day? Don't expect that he will give it up just because you don't approve of the habit. Is your future wife a lousy cook? Don't expect that she will suddenly morph into Julia Child. Recognize and be honest about the things you don't like about your future spouse (yes, there are some things if you are really honest). Resolve to find a way to accept and hopefully even to love these things about your spouse. Is there a way you can help your spouse either to grow in a certain area or to pick up the slack for them?
   
   Example: My husband is what I call the "absent-minded professor" type. He once tried to please me by washing the dishes... When I came in, the left side of the sink was empty and dishes were drying beautifully on the counter--but the right side of the sink was piled high with dirty pans! "Oh, gosh, I never even saw those!" my husband lamented apologetically. We had a good laugh over it. But, my point is: if I notice something is out of place or needs cleaning, I expect that I will be setting it right. My husband has never noticed such things; I don't expect that he will ever change in this respect. Sometimes its frustrating, but mostly, I have managed to adjust my attitude so that I can view every sock on the floor or jam-covered knife on the counter as a little way I can show sacrificial love to my husband throughout the day. I take care of it, offer up a little prayer of gratitude for my husband and a way to serve him, and don't nag him about it later!
   
   
10. Do expect your fiance to change after marriage. You've discussed every possibility for the future; you're the king and queen of communication. You know that you both want to live near your parents, that you want three children, that you'll be staying home when the kids are young and then going back to work; you've even determined that you want to spend your retirement by opening a bed & breakfast together on Cape Cod. Remember that you and your spouse are both human beings and are, therefore, dynamic creatures. You both have the right to change your minds--even about the big things.
    
    The hardest question my husband and I asked ourselves before we got married was, "If you change completely--If you were to become severely disabled, if you had early onset dementia or if you became a quadrapelegic; if you lost your faith--would I stay with you?" For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health, until death. These are not just poetic words; they are solemn vows. If you do not feel capable of making them, then you should consider very carefully whether you are indeed called to married life. As always, be brutally honest with yourself.

I would hate to give the impression that I think married life is all about the "hard stuff." Not at all! I have found that most of married life is filled with contentment, peace, and irrepresible joy. However, it's not the good times that you have to prepare yourself for; it's the hard times. A lifeguard who was only prepared to sit up on her chair and read a book while able swimmers enjoyed themselves wouldn't be any use at all. You need a lifeguard who's ready to dive in and save a drowning person, even if she never has to do it. Please, for the sake of Holy Matrimony, ask the hard questions, prepare yourself for the hard times... and then enjoy every blessed day God gives!

How Did You Prepare for Marriage?

On Thursday morning, our family is going to be heading down to Burbank. One of my dearest friends, the first young woman that I ever discipled, is getting married this weekend, and I'm so thrilled and honored to be standing up as one of her attendants. As I was thoughtfully choosing a meaningful wedding present for her and inscribing her wedding card, I got to thinking a lot about marriage.

In our day and age, people spend so much time, money, and energy on weddings. Most couples spend their entire engagement simply discussing wedding plans. But, what happens after the cake is cut and the last dance is over and ballroom has cleared...and you come home from the honeymoon? Did you spend any time at all preparing for this--preparing for marriage?

I know that my friend and her fiance have not fallen into this common trap. They have spent their entire courtship preparing for marriage, and they have spent even more effort on this vital preparation during the months of their engagement. With this preparation, their passionate love of the Lord, their sacrificial love for each other, and their constancy in prayer, I'm certain they will really have a leg up on starting out on this incredible journey of life together.

If you are married, how did you prepare for marriage--or did you? What advice would you give to an engaged or courting couple to help them prepare for married life? If you're engaged or courting, what sort of advice would you like to have as you prepare for marriage?

I'll do my own follow-up to this email (hopefully tomorrow if the kiddos cooperate!), but I'd love to hear from my readers first. You always give me such good food for thought, and some of you are much more experienced wives than I, so I'd love to chew on your responses before drafting my own.

"Intellectual Health--What's That?"

This spring, I was a participant in a Ministry of Mothers Sharing (MOMS) group at my parish. During one session, we spent some time reflecting on our health, as mothers, in various aspects of our life: spiritual, social, physical, etc. When we got to the topic of intellectual health and growht, one of my friends broke into a characteristic grin and laughed, "Intellectual health--I can't even remember what that is!"

How true it is that sometimes we mothers of young children, whether we stay at home or are employed outside the home, neglect our intellects. I have said before that I think lifelong education is vital for a woman, no matter her sphere or stage in life, but for a stay-at-home mother it has particular importance: a mother in the home is the primary educator of her young children. If she homeschools, this role takes on an even more profound character. Even when children are school-aged, they will glean from their parents an attitude about education: is it something relegated to the walls of a classroom that can be abandoned once they earn a degree, or is it something that is valuable at any stage of life--something their parents still pursue for their own benefit and enjoyment?

I'm not talking about taking classes, necessarily, though of course structured education has its definite place in the scheme of things and can be very valuable, provided one has the time, money, and inclination to pursue it. The sort of education I am refering to can easily be gained outside of classroom walls. I'm talking about being a student of life--thirsting for knowledge and seeking it at every turn. In this sense, we can all be lifelong students, even without much money, even from within our own homes, yes even with young children!

My intellectual health is very important to my overall health. I notice very quickly if I've let this area of my life slide. My emotional health, social health, and all the rest of it seem to landslide if I'm not intellectually stimulated. Apart from purchasing a few books a year, I don't spend any money on these pursuits. I also have a busy toddler and a newborn who take up much of my time. So, how do I still find time to feed my brain?

Reading! Perhaps it's because I'm the daughter of a librarian who would toss me a volume of Dickens' whenever the fateful words, "I'm bored" escaped my lips; I don't know. All I know is that if I don't have at least two books going at once, something is dreadfully wrong. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had countless women tell me, "Enjoy it now; you won't be able to read a book again for years." Within the first month of my daughter's life, I had read three books. For the past two years since her birth, I have never had any trouble reading at least fifty books per year. Reading and being a mother of young children are not necessarily diametrically opposed! Here are some tips for maintaining a healthy reading habit while mothering young ones:

• Read to them! Read them quality literature, not just "Spot" or some "Dora the Explorer" boardbook. Read them Grimms' Fairy Tales. Read them Caldecott Award winning picture books. Read them folktales and Aesops' fables. Read them the Bible--the real Bible, not just the water-down, cutesy kids' versions. Kids really do absorb so much more than we give them credit for if we'll present them with quality materials. And, we grown-ups can glean a lot from these classic works, as well.
• Keep books in the bathroom. You know that one haven you have during the day when you can shut the door for five minutes and get away from it all...provided your two-year-old isn't acting like a human battering ram to get in to you. We have a basket of books in our bathroom at all times. I particularly like to keep volumes of poetry or devotional books there; this way, I can read short excerpts and not feel like I've been interrupted when I have to dash out again because I hear a little someone shouting from the other room.
• Keep two or three books going at all times. I recommend at least a novel and a work of non-fiction. Personally, I usually keep something "light" on hand, as well--perhaps an easy-going novel or a fun, short book on crafts, a cookbook, or something else that doesn't take much effort. This way, you have something available for the various "reading moods" that might strike you and you never find yourself saying, "Well, I started such-and-such, but I'm just not in the mood to read that tonight."
• Multitask. If I have to stir something for awhile on the stove, I keep a book open on the counter while I'm cooking. If I'm having my lunch alone while the kids are napping, I read at the table; books can be very fine dinner companions. I often read while I'm nursing my son. I will add a proviso, though, not to try multitasking with a book while your children need you. To really enjoy a book, you should be able to give it some real attention--but your children need and deserve your attention much more. I know it's hard to play Pat-a-Cake one more time when a thrilling chapter is calling to you. Just keep intoning: The years are short. Someday you will have plenty of quiet time to read to your heart's content.

Power in Numbers. Join a book club, a society for some hobby or pursuit that interests you (gardening, for example), or simply gather a group of friends on a regular basis to talk politics if that's your cup of tea. Sometimes we mothers really need to spend time with other adults who can get our intellectual juices flowing and keep us accountable to our own intellectual well-being. It doesn't have to be a huge time commitment; after all, what mother of little ones has the time or energy to be going out several nights a week? But, it does kill two birds with one stone: you get an intellectual jolt and a chance to socialize. I have a book club I meet with once a month, it's only for a few hours one evening a month, after Sophia is in bed. Brian gets a nice quiet evening to pursue his own hobbies and I come back refreshed and more able to devote myself more completely to my family. It is worth mentioning that finding the right group can be a bit tricky. Not only do you want to be in the company of those you enjoy spending time with, you want to make sure the group is neither too demanding nor too lax, that the other members of the group are as committed as you would wish to be, and that you are on the same intellectual plane as the other members of the group; otherwise, you will likely end up frustrated and cease going.
Self-Study. Start a list of some things you would like to learn. Add to it as other subjects peek your interest. Have you always wanted to learn the correct method of braising? What about studying the various species of birds in your area? Have you always wanted to read the Complete Works of Shakespeare? Or Tolstoy? Maybe you'd like to go back and study the Civil War now that you're over the age of fourteen and think you might have a better appreciation for it. What the heck--my husband takes out books on mathematical theory to stimulate his mind! (To each his own, eh?) Don't fall into the trap of thinking that just because you don't go to a classroom everyday and haven't got a teacher to lecture you that these doors of knowledge are forever closed. Do what our forefathers and -mothers did: read about it! After all, that's what teachers did to get where they are. Books can be the best teachers of all. (Yeah, there's my librarian blood speaking again; I'm such a literary idealist.)
The Public Library is your best friend. Don't think you have to buy out Barnes & Noble in order to keep your mind healthy: just get a library card. Get familiar with your library system's website. Whereas your branch may not have a wealth of books you are interested in (mine is nearly half full of rotten Harlequin romances--what does this say about the area I live in?), other branches in your system might be just up your alley. Many systems will allow you to put books on hold and transfer them to your branch free of charge. Some systems charge a small fee, or you can find out which branch has them available, place them on hold there, and pick them up for free when they come in. Many systems' websites will even email you to let you know when a hold is in or when your book is coming due, which can save you a bundle on late fees if you're as absent-minded as my husband and I are about things like library due dates.
Get the news. Can't afford the daily paper--or maybe the one in your area isn't particularly well-written or -edited? Don't want to watch the news at the dinner table? Just pop online and you can puruse the news at your leisure. You also have the freedom to get your news from sources that you might not be able to get in print. I'm personally a huge fan of the BBC for my news.
Consider it an investment. Do not underestimate the importance of intellectual health. While going for a couple of years without reading anything more stimulating than the nutrition on the back of a Cheerios box isn't going to send you to an early grave, it very well might compromise your health and overall well-being in the long run and even in the short term. You might find that your mental and emotional health benefits dramatically from a little investment in the old intellect. In addition, keeping your mind sharp is your greatest combatant against dementia--one of the most devastating conditions one can suffer. It's an investment in your marriage if you can keep yourself as mentally alert as you were when you both first met. It's an investment in your children: you are setting them a good example to follow, if nothing else.
The season of life that is young motherhood is fleeting and full--sometimes we don't feel like we could possibly squeeze in one more thing. Perhaps this is the case with you, and perhaps you have no interest in intellectual pursuits; maybe you hate reading (the literary idealist in me shudders and hates to believe this is possible, but I know there are those who claim it to be so). I'm certainly not saying that everyone needs to be a frequent patron of the local library or that you will be a bad, unhealthy woman if you don't read every night before going to bed. Hardly. I simply wish to encourage those who, like myself, are aware that they require intellectual stimulaiton to be their best, that such stimulation is possible even when one is busy with the demands of mothering young children, and even when one is a stay-at-home wife and mother. Where there's a will, there's a way.

Show & Tell Friday: Happy One Month Birthday, James AND Sophia's "Big Girl" Bed

I can't believe it's already been a month since my little boy was born! Here is our James enjoying some "tummy time." Look at those strong neck muscles in action! Who would have thought my geeky husband and artistic little me would have produced two children who could hold their heads up from birth?


And here's my "real" show & tell: In honor of James' arrival and with her second birthday only days away, we finally got Sophia a "big girl" bed! The bed is care of Craigslist and the bedding came by way of Target (and is actually on sale this week, at least in our area, if you want to get some for a sweet little girl in your life!) We haven't made the transition from crib quite yet, but Sophia loves her bed, and she picked out the sheets herself, so I think we'll at least be starting to take naps on it very soon.

Some Thoughts to Share

"Pardon Mama" by Emile Munier

Jennifer, who blogs at Conversion Diary wrote a post awhile back that is really resonating with me lately. It's all about our perspective in motherhood and how, if we are truly to live into our vocation as mothers, we must recognize that this is not some brief stage we are called to grin and bear and rush through but a way of life that we ought to embrace and are meant to flourish in. It's not an interruption of life: it is life!

Well, I'll let Jennifer say the rest: "Getting My Life Back".

* The Bookworm's Library has been updated: The Man Who Was Thursday: A Nightmare by G.K. Chesterton, Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss

Time Well Spent

It's true what they say: The days are long, but the years are short.

James is already 4 weeks old, and Sophia's second birthday is only two weeks away. Time is a fickle thing and elastic thing. All at once, there are not enough hours in the day and yet each hour can seem to stretch interminably. A pregnancy can seem never-ending and yet be gone in the blink of an eye. Your little one is born, and suddenly, she is walking--and arguing with you that she doesn't need to go to bed yet. Then, another pregnancy. Another baby. The clock seems frozen as you wait for your husband to come home so you can finally take a shower... and then, four more weeks have slipped through your fingers and your newborn baby is holding his head up and looking you directly in the eyes with utter trust and contentment.

Intellectually, I knew this about Time, the way it runs too fast and then too slow. I have recognized the way Advent seems to drag on and then, suddenly it's Christmas morning and you didn't do half of the things you'd wanted to and, in a flash, the Twelve Days have passed and it's on to the gray and dreary days of January...and suddenly, it's Easter. How did that happen?

And, of course, everyone tells you how brief the time is with your little ones. And, it is. And, my oldest is only two! If I realize the fleetingness of my time with my children already, at age 25, how much more will I understand at 50--when my oldest will already be older than I am now? And, will it be like that Christmas morning, when I wake to find that Advent is over and I didn't do half the thing I'd wanted to? I hope not.

The key to battling the waxing and waning of Time, I believe, is perspective. Jesus taught us to pray for daily bread. We are not to request tomorrow's bread, and we are not to dwell upon yesterday's. In essence, Jesus is telling us to "live in the moment"--and to live each moment with Him, Who is our Bread of Life. This isn't easy. Sometimes, I want to hold onto the past. Sometimes, I'm like a little child, itching to run ahead to the future. And, sometimes, I forget that Jesus is ever-present beside me, my faithful Companion through it all. When I do these things, Time seems to slip out of joint: it's too slow, too fast; it frustrates and saddens. But, if I can keep my perspective, if I can live in the moment with Jesus, then Time seems to find its place...and so do I.

I hope that when I am 50, I will have lived many days in the moment, with Jesus beside me, and that I will look back on the years and say, "The hours were long, the years were short, but the Time was well spent."

Cider Mama's One-Bowl Layer Cake

I've mentioned before that making cakes was my culinary downfall--particularly layer cakes, which never seemed to hold together properly. Well, I am pleased to say my days of sorry cake baking are over! Incidentally, the recipe that fixed it all also turns out to be one of the easiest cake recipes in the world, so I decided I had to share it with you all.

Ingredients:

2 1/2 c. flour

2 c. sugar

1 T baking powder

1 t. salt

1 1/2 c. milk

1/3 c. shortening

1/3 c. unsalted butter, softened

2 eggs

1 T vanilla

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350F. Put all ingredients in the bowl of a stand mixer. Blend on low speed until combined and liquid won't slosh out of the bowl. Blend on high speed 3 minutes. Meanwhile, cut parchment rounds for 9'' round cake pans. Grease pans, place parchment round in bottom of pans, and grease parchment. Pour half batter into each pan. Bake 35-40 minutes until tester comes out clean. Let cool completely in pans. Turn out layers and decorate as desired.

Makes a 2- or 4-layer cake, depending on whether you halve the two layers. Serves about 12.

This cake goes wonderfully with just about any frosting. I like putting sliced strawberries between and frosting it with whipped cream. It's also delicious by itself, with jam spread between the layers and dusted with confectioners' sugar for a simple mid-week dessert or afternoon tea.

You can also make an almond cake (which our family actually prefers to vanilla) by reducing the vanilla extract in the recipe to 2 t. and adding 1 t. almond extract. We love this spread between with apricot jam and frosted with an almond-flavored buttercream.

A Father's Day Tribute

For a sort of Father's Day tribute to this handsome man, my beloved husband Brian, you can refer to my post of a few days ago. But, he knows what a wonderful father I think he is. I tell him every day. And, Sophia's hugs and James' contented sighs are a daily reminder to him that his children love him. This Father's Day, I would rather pay a tribute to another father, one who I think sometimes doubts that I think he is a great dad but shouldn't ever doubt it.

This is a tribute to my own dad. Here he is with Sophia, a year ago, on her first birthday:

It's no secret that my dad and I don't always see eye to eye on things--even the important things--sometimes even especially the important things. But, God knew what he was doing when he gave me my particular dad, and I don't just mean in the sense that it is owing to half my genes coming from my father that I could be born. I mean in the sense that, I believe, God is working through my relationship with my dad in profound ways, and that these works of His could never have come to be if my dad were not exactly the man that he is.

Our relationship has changed over the years. When I was a little girl, despite my extremely close relationship with my mother, it was dad ("Da") that I idolized. If I didn't feel well or had a bad dream, it was Da that I called for and who layed with me until I could fall asleep again. Da took me fishing for sunnies and perch and showed me how to clean and gut them (ew!). Da took me camping and to father-daughter dances. Da played pretend with me for hours--I don't know how many afternoons he spent on his knees wearing a rainbow-striped t-shirt and playing "Twink" from Rainbow Brite just to please me! Da taught me how to sail a boat (and later to drive and dock a motor boat), ride a bike, and light a campfire. Being the family homebodies, we spent endless weekends reading side-by-side, baking our special yeast rolls, and listening to musicals.

Then, I became a teenager. And, Dad lost his job.

Things were hard. Suddenly, I didn't see my father as the invincible, amazing, faultless Da of former days. I was critical of him. He was critical of me, spunky teenager that I was. Things were difficult for him emotionally, as he had built much of his self esteem on his success as a businessman (Did I mention my dad once started a company that made it onto the cover of Forbes magazine? Yeah, I'm very proud of him). Sometimes Dad and I argued, but mainly, we lapsed into a sort of silent existence. He provided for me; I in turn was a pretty good kid and got great grades. Sometimes we'd have a good weekend, but mostly, we just sort of lived in the same house without interacting too much. My mother became our go-between.

Then, I went to college. And, then my dad left my mom and moved away from our hometown. No more facades. No more go-between. Things were raw and painful.

I became more critical of my father. I was hurt and angry with him for the decisions he had made. I was disappointed in him. I found it difficult to respect him; honoring him seemed like it was the most difficult thing God could have asked of me. And yet, I knew I was called to honor him. In addition, I knew how much my father thrived on respect...something he hadn't had much of since the unemployment days; something he craved. For a few years, I told myself he didn't deserve it after what he'd done. I resented him for having a mid-life crisis and acting like an irresponsible, self-centered teenager. I resented the fact that I often felt like I was the parent in the relationship.

Then, I had a child.

The day I told my father that we were having a girl, he cried tears of joy. I knew he was remembering me as a little girl. He was one of the few men I know who really wanted a daughter, rather than a son. A good thing, since I was to be an only child. Though my dad lives far away from us, he comes out as often as he can to visit, and the more time I saw him spend with Sophia, the more I remembered of the old days. The more I saw Da in him again. The more I found to honor and to respect. The easier it became to love unreservedly again, the way I had done as a little girl.

Dad and I still don't always see eye to eye, even on many of the important things. Sometimes I still get angry with his choices. Sometimes we still hurt each other. There's a lot of messy history, much of it still unresolved. Sometimes I still feel like I am the parent, but I no longer resent that. We are called to love when it is difficult, and I have learned that, sometimes, loving my dad means loving even when it's hard, even when I don't think he deserves it. It has been one of the most transformative relationships of my life, one of the most challenging but also one of the most fruitful, and I am grateful.

Perhaps the most difficult aspect of our relationship is that my dad and I do not share a common faith. Whereas my entire life is centered on my relationship with God, my father has lost his faith. But, I hope and I pray that, as God has used my relationship with my father to grow and strengthen me, He may also use it to bring my father to faith in Him again. My father gave me life; what greater gift could I give him in return than to share True Life with him?

I love you, Da.

A Pictoral Account of Last Weekend's Festivities & Adventures

Friday, June 12th:

Friday was my 25th birthday. My mom and my surrogate sisters, Meghan and Caitlin, were all in from out of town. It's the first time in four years I was able to celebrate my birthday with them! We all went out to a quaint little outdoor shopping center called the Country Village and to afternoon tea at a lovely teahouse there called Elizabeth & Alexander's.

The town farmer's market was in full swing at the Country Village, so we commissioned two beautiful blue-and-white bouquets for the baptism reception. Can you believe these gorgeous flowers? I just love living in the Pacific Northwest in the summertime!

The proud godmother (Caiti) with James.

The resident chickens at the Country Village. Sophia loved them.

A little old carousel. Sophia was fascinated by the ponies but became terrified when we tried to help her up to "ride" one!

Auntie Meghan has her hands full with goddaughter, Sophia and "nephew," James.

The happy big sister, enjoying all the attention from the out-of-town guests.

Auntie Caiti and Sophia

James looking inquisitive

James looking sleepy

Auntie Meghan looking sleepy, but very happy to be holding her "nephew."

Well, as it turns out, Sophia's grandparents and godmother pitched in with Brian and I to buy her a special birthday present. Since most of them wouldn't be in town for her real birthday and they were all in town for the Baptism, we chose to give her the special present on my birthday (the night before the Baptism). After all, she seemed to think all mommy's birthday presents were for her anyway--at least, she started taking them off the table and unwrapping them without permission!

Yes, we wrapped it in a blanket. Who needs to waste that much wrapping paper. You know, in this picture, it looks an awful lot like the Everlasting Gobstopper Machine in the movie Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Checking out the oven. That's my little baker.

Me and Caiti.

Meghan and Me.

Saturday Evening, The Baptism and Reception:

Welcoming James into the Church with the sign of the cross.


Brian calls this one, "The power of Christ compels you!" In actuality, though, this part of the ceremony is called the "exorcism" when the baptized are freed from Original Sin.

A picture of Bill, my mom's awesome boyfriend, videotaping us at the baptismal font. We just thought it was a really neat photograph.

Taking James from his towel to be baptized. Yes, we were all thinking the same thing: Don't pee on Father!

And here he is, all dressed in his adorable christening outfit from Grammie (my mom). The white clothes represent his new life in Christ.

The proud godmother with her godson at the reception.

The desserts. Those flowers are the ones we chose at the market the day before. And next to them, standing up, is James' baptismal certificate. I will have to get a better photo of that someday to share with you all.

The cake.

The godfather. Make him an offer he can't refuse.

Sunday...a trip to the Chateau St. Michele Winery: