"Mother and Children" by Mary Cassat
The last novel I wrote took a lot out of me. I suppose that makes sense, considering it was 100,000 words (not counting the approximately 50,000+ I deleted at one point or another) and I wrote it in under three months. By the end, I was popping in a lot of DVDs for my daughter to watch. My house was not up to my usual standards of order. Dinners were whatever I could throw together when I forced myself to put down the laptop at 5:30, and I was frazzled and cranky most of the time.
I make it sound terrible. It wasn't really that bad, but something was definitely off on a daily basis. It's not something I could have kept up long-term. I wasn't giving my best to my family, my home, God, or myself. I had become a work-at-home-aholic.
So, when I started my most recent novel a little over a month ago, it came as no surprise that my husband was a little wary. The good news is that I seem to have learned a little something from past mistakes.
Working at home is a fabulous gig, but it takes some fenagling. It's no good working from home if you're just going to put your nose to the grindstone while you ignore the kids, ignore your husband, and ignore your home--or worse, if you fill your entire home with a negative, flustered energy that gets everyone's hackles up and turns home into a stress zone. I mean, at that point, why not just get yourself an office and hire a sitter? You'd get more work done and probably be less stressed out.
The trick, I have found, is to commit to routines, set boundaries for yourself, and then stick to both of those.
First, consider the needs of your family and home. Draw up routines that will keep your home clean, your kids healthy and happy, and you firing on all cylinders. Don't forget to schedule down-time and sleep. Run it all by your husband. Make sure you two get some time together and that he doesn't feel neglected. When you're in crunch-time for a project, you may need to cut down to the necessities for a time. Have a game plan for when you'll come out of "emergency cut-back" mode and get back to normal, so that you don't let things slide for too long.
Next, set your boundaries. In order to do this, you need to spend some time praying about your priorities. If getting that article written or getting that order shipped is consistently more important than calmly resolving a tiff between siblings, a need for snuggles or storytime with Mama, a night cuddling on the couch with your husband, cooking an enjoyable meal, or spending quality time with the Lord, then things are out of whack. Pray for God to help you put your priorities back in order and then put some boundaries around those precious things to protect their place in your life and heart.
If things are stressful right now and your life feels totally out of balance, try this sure-fire detox:
- Put away the laptop, the files, or whatever else it is that you work on. Right now. Put them away. You can get them out again tomorrow, but right now, you need a break. So does your family.
- Reconnect. It's time for stories on Mamas lap, a game of tag at the park, kisses, cuddles, and all the good stuff of life. Remind yourself what really matters--and remind those who matter just how much they do.
- Pray. Find some time for serious prayer today, whether that means getting out to Mass or adoration (preferably alone if you can swing it), a rosary during the kids' afternoon quiet time, or reading Scripture in the park while the kids play, get some real one-on-one time with God.
- Do some purposeful housework. Be really present while you chop vegetables for dinner--relish the sound of the knife on the chopping block and the crisp crunch of the celery. Really scour that bathroom, and enjoy the way your heart rate quickens and that good, tired, slightly achy feeling when you're done. Garden, and revel in the scent of the dirt and the way it feels between your fingers as you work. Whatever you do, make it some task that you really enjoy. You need to remember why you're home, and why you love it so much.
Like I said, working from home can really be the best of both worlds, but it takes some effort to remember that we're not fully in one world or the other. We have to create our own world, but then, where better to create a world than at home with those we love?
Bethany, as someone who has worked from home, and as someone who knows how passionate and all-consuming writing a novel can be, I have found out that working from home is no more family-friendly than working outside the home, *if* we let it take over. In some seasons of our life, we simply must set everything else aside and focus on the family. Each one finds their own balance. Blessings. :o)
ReplyDeleteAs the daughter of someone who worked from home, also as a writer, I can tell you that the balance is possible, and I'm sure will be much easier as your children get older. My mom carved out a few hours in the beginning of the day in which she would write when my sister and I were school age (or even 6 and 4) and home for breaks or the summer. We both knew that those hours were Mom-work time and we should play nicely with each other until she was done (usually lunch). After lunch we would get to hang out with mom. The system worked well and although sometimes we were momentarily upset that mom was busy, neither of us ever felt deprived of time with her.
ReplyDeleteJust some encouragement from someone who has lived through it on the other side!
Just some encouragement
I love this post! Interestingly, I've found that when I have an exciting writing project going on, it energizes me in all areas of life. I recently heard about the fascinating idea that each of us has a charism, and it *gives* us energy to use it. That's been my experience with writing: when I'm not writing, I actually have less energy to offer to my family.
ReplyDeleteI've found that the key thing for me is not *hoarding* my time: when I start getting all possessive about making sure I get every single moment of my writing time, the fruit of my projects are not good. But the more willing I am to be obedient to the time God gives me -- i.e. not freaking out of an interrupted naptime cuts my writing time short -- my writing is suddenly more effortless, more energizing, and it's just better.
And with that, I'm going to get back to my book. :)
Thank you again for this post. As another writer mommy, I loved this advice.
Dear Bethany,
ReplyDeleteas a freelance translator working from home (and lurker of your blog :)) I totally agree with your description of pros and cons of working from home.
Balance, love and patience are what makes me go on (at least I try to do my best); some days everything seems to go the wrong way, but paradoxically this is what makes me refocus and start again.
Thank you for this post, it was very encouraging.
Have a good day
Elena
Paige - Yes! Brian and I brainstorm about me having a studio or office when we buy a house someday, and I look forward to when the kids are a bit older and I'll be able to actually spend some stretches of time at work! Of course, I also want them to stay babies for ever, so go figure ;-)
ReplyDeleteI don't work at home - yet - but I have turned down requests to chair different projects in our community. I knew I would do a good job, but I knew my desire to do a thing thoroughly and well would mean I would short-change my family. My projects would come first because I have a hard time compartmentalizing. So I only take on very defined short-term assignments, that take a day here and there. I also have very negative memories of my mother working at home. The family business was on the same property as our house. My father was able to put work aside, but my mother became completely absorbed. I remember a lot of TV dinners, fast food, and lunches from school vending machines. I want to be always there for my seven children in a way my mother never was. It's so very important to set those boundaries and stick to them - even if your work suffers.
ReplyDeleteWow, I can't believe you wrote 150k words in 3 months! It took me almost a year to write that much and I don't have kids. However, I did rewrite things as I went along. In retrospect that was a mistake, since I decided to rework the entire plot anyway. Argh!
ReplyDeleteThere have been days when I too neglected housework and cooking because I was obsessed with my novel. Then I realized that cleaning sinks or cutting vegetables can be the very times when I get good ideas for my writing. I think these everyday activities relax the creative parts of our brain and let in new things. I can agonize over something while sitting at the computer, get up to do some laundry, and then realize when I'm folding, "oh wait, why don't I just have character X do Y" and it solves the problem.
(I'm not a published novelist, so I'm no expert, just sharing my experience.) I still struggle with balance in this area, so I will definitely be following some of your tips, thank you.
Oh, there is definitely a balance! I've been working on my Masters' degree for the last few years, and even then, there are days where my husband has to say, "Why don't you just take a break for 24-48 hours?" If I don't have a paper due, I take his advice. He sees things in me that I cannot, and if he sees me getting stressed, he'll tell me, even if I'm in denial. Also having scheduled times during the week (back to your schedule post from a few months ago) in which I do homework versus reading, etc helps as well. I don't feel chained to my computer doing work for hours and hours.
ReplyDeleteGood to 'meet' you cyberifically, Bethany. I like your blog.
ReplyDelete