Spy Wednesday: But For the Grace of God

"Judas Betrays Jesus" by Michelangelo

The Wednesday of Holy Week is known as Spy Wednesday, because of the Gospel reading:

"One of the Twelve, the man called Judas Iscariot,
went to the chief priests and said, ‘What are you prepared to give me if I hand him over to you?’ They paid him thirty silver pieces, and from that
moment he looked for an opportunity to betray him.

Now on the first day of Unleavened Bread the disciples came to Jesus to say, ‘Where do you
want us to make the preparations for you to eat the passover?’ ‘Go to so-and-so in the city’ he replied ‘and say to him, “The Master says: My time
is near. It is at your house that I am keeping Passover with my disciples.”’

The disciples did what Jesus told them and prepared the Passover.
When evening came he was at table with the twelve
disciples. And while they were eating he said ‘I tell you solemnly, one of you is about to betray me’ They were greatly distressed and started asking him in turn, ‘Not I, Lord, surely?’ He answered, ‘Someone who has dipped his hand into the dish with me, will betray me. The Son of Man is going to his fate, as the scriptures say he will, but alas for that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! Better for that man if he had never been born!’ Judas, who was to betray him; asked in his turn, ‘Not I, Rabbi, surely?’ ‘They are your own words’ answered Jesus."

It is true that the days leading up to Jesus' Passion were filled with intrigue, thanks to this rogue disciple. It's easy to paint Judas as the enemy and to look at him as a sort of anomoly, the "bad guy." But, the sadness is that there is nothing particularly unique about Judas's actions. As history reveals, the "bad guys" so often are just ordinary men and women. They could be us.

There but for the grace of God go I.

How often do we find ourselves saying, "Oh, no. I would never do that. I would never have an affair. I would never have an abortion. I would never___________." You fill in the blank. But, pride goes before a fall. Sometimes, like Judas, we are already even plotting to commit offenses against God, and still, we play innocent, we hold our heads high, all the while assuring ourselves and others, "Not I, surely?"

Today, let us root out the pride in our hearts, that we might not fall. Let us search our deepest, most repressed temptations, and stare them in the face, that God may cleanse us truly. And, if we have already fallen into sin, let us not make the same mistake Judas made, his greatest transgression.

You see, it is my belief that the worst thing Judas ever did was not to betray Christ--it was to believe that Christ would not forgive him for it.

All of our sins, no matter how slight, put Jesus Christ on that Cross at Calvary. Every single one of us is guilty. And, He shed His Precious Blood to forgive us all, to wash every single sin away. Judas, however, despaired, and rather than accept this great grace, he took his own life. This part of the tragedy of Judas Iscariot is, naturally, foremost in my mind this year.

There but for the grace of God go I.

This Holy Week, let us cling ever more to grace--rejoice in it--celebrate it--share it! Yes, let us share it extravagantly, for it has been extravagantly granted to us. And, if we sin, let us not despair. For God is generous and more merciful than we can conceive. His grace is truly amazing.

Holy Monday: John 12:3

The gospel reading for the day is entitled "Jesus Annointed at Bethany," and it comes from John 12:1-11. Many of you have heard the story before.

Jesus goes to spend time with his friends in Bethany (yes, that's where my name comes from), a little town outside Jerusalem, before heading to the big city to celebrate Passover. Lazarus is there (you remember, the guy who was dead for three days?), along with his sisters, Martha (the over-achieving forerunner to Stewart) and Mary (the former woman of ill repute). So there they are, the party all assembled, and Jesus is reclining and having a drink when Mary bursts in on the scene with a bottle of nard, which is a funny word for an extremely expensive perfumed ointment. Mary dumps the entire contents on Jesus' feet and then wipes his feet with her long, unbound hair. It is extravagant and scandalous, and the disciples are rightly scandalized. But, Jesus says that wherever His Gospel is proclaimed, Mary will be remembered for this good deed.

But, what's so special about verse 3? For one thing, it's the part of the story where Mary pours the perfume and wipes Our Lord's feet with her hair, and it finishes, "the house was full of the scent of the ointment."

Some translation say "perfume," rather than ointment, but this one comes from the Jerusalem Bible, and I prefer it's choice of the word ointment. Of course, nard is both a perfume and an ointment, but the Old Testament is full of perfume rising to the Lord: burnt offerings, hymns, righteous deeds. The New Covenant in Christ is about something that was needed more than these, though.

An ointment.

Salve.

Salvation.

The house was full of the scent of salvation.

And, who was there? Jesus Himself, and the distracted homemaker, and the dead man, and the prostitute. Peter was there, the Rock and the Denier. Thomas the Doubter. Matthew the Tax Collector. James and John. James the Just. Simon the Zealot. Andrew, Bartholomew, Thaddeus, Phillip. Probably some other unnamed disciples.

And the Turncoat, the Traitor, Judas.

All gathered together, at the foot of the Son of God, while the house was filled with the scent of salvation.

It was a reminder to me that everyone is welcome to gather in a house with Our Lord and His disciples, and our homes are houses of God; they are "domestic churches." Do not be afraid to welcome those who do not seem to belong, who strike you as unholy. Remember that it was Judas, the respectable one, the one who was scandalized, who betrayed Christ for a handful of metal. Mary, the prostitute, the foolish, scandalous woman is the one who broke open the jar that filled the house with the scent of salvation.

But remember, the welcoming, the gathering is not the end. Remember verse 3. Break the jar. Unbind your hair. Fill the house.

Chivalry for Lady Day

"Chivalry" by Sir Frank Dicksee

Today is the Feast of the Annunciation, the day on which we commemorate the Visitation of the Angel Gabriel to the Virgin Mary and the conception of Our Lord. In England, it is also known as Lady Day, as Mary is often referred to as Our Lady, or in French: Notre Dame.

In her Book of Feasts and Seasons, Joanna Bogle has this reflection to share about how devotion to Our Lady has shaped the collective understanding in Western culture over the centuries:

"Devotion to Mary in the Middle Ages was responsible for forming attitudes towards women in Christian Europe. The idea of chivalry was formed around it: in honouring Mary, men honoured, in a sense, the whole female sex. Women were no longer to be regarded as slaves or playthings formales. They must not be associated with degradation or regarded merely with sensuality. Instead, through Mary, women were to receive a sort of homage, a huge respect. Manners, good taste, and the concept of the mutual courtesy were all associated with this. It still lingers in the old ideas about a an taking off his hat to a lady, offering his seat to her on a bus or train, opening a door for her, rising when she enters a room. In denouncing all this, as both males and females (but, alas, especially females) have done in recent years, we have alas denounced a precious part of our heritage."

Our Lady gives us a vision of true womanhood: honorable, courageous, Godly, humble, meek, righteous, industrious, dignified. May we women strive to be like her, and may all Christian men strive to grant women the same respect with which they should regard their Holy Mother, who is "blessed among women."

In the World in Blue Jeans

Today, I went shopping for a pair of jeans.

This may surprise some of my readers since I have been very open about the fact that I typically only wear skirts. There are a lot of us out there--the skirt-wearing ladies--particularly in religious circles. But, unlike some, I never had any hard-and-fast theological reason for my choice to shun pants. I find skirts attractive, comfortable, and more forgiving in transition from pregnancy. It is difficult to find jeans that fit me, being shorter-than-the-average-American-girl. A lot of jeans aren't particularly modest, which narrowed the already slim pickings. Add to that the fashion trends of the "skinny" or "matchstick" cut and the distressed look, and it's little wonder why I hopped on the skirted bandwagon.

I had been tentatively working my very few pairs of pants back into my wardrobe as I regained my shape after James' birth, but it was in the aftermath of my father's death that I finally switched over to the degree that a shopping trip became necessary.

It wasn't just the brief trip to a colder climate that did me in. I wanted to be inconspicuous. So many things already set me apart: my faith, my accent (or lack thereof), and now the stigma of being the child of a suicide victim (as if the only child stigma wasn't enough). My family already holds hands to pray in restaurants, and I cross myself when an ambulance passes. I was already wearing black. I didn't want people to take notice of my long skirts, as well.

So, I packed jeans. One pair. And I wore sweatpants when I was lounging around my mother's house. And, it felt familiar and comfortable and good and thoroughly inconspicuous. And, it was then that I realized: without the skirts to draw attention, other things became more noticeable:

the crucifix around my neck

the modest neckline of my shirt

even grace in a restaurant

stood out a little more

because everything else about me was so normal. I was in the world, but not of the world. In blue jeans.

St. Joseph's Day 2010

"St. Joseph" by Reni

St. Joseph is the patron saint of many things, but this year, I particularly reflect on his patronage of fathers and of a holy and happy death.

For breakfast, I joined one of my best friends for doughnuts (traditional St. Joseph's Day fare) at Donuts Delite. This little, retro donut shop was the hilight of our visits to our grandparents' houses, three doors down from each other, both of which were within walking distance of the donut shop. Our fathers went there as children. Then, they took us. We went there for holidays and birthdays. Through the window next to our booth, we could see the church where our fathers worshipped as children with their families, the same church where my parents were married over thirty years ago.

Five years back, the little donut shop shut its doors, we thought, forever. I was there on the last day and bought a dozen glazed donuts for my coworkers at the theater where I was interning. So much has changed. Now, I write instead of act. Now, I am married and I have two beautiful children. Now, my father is dead.

While Caiti and I were choosing donuts, a familiar song came over the speaker system. "Blowing in the Wind," sung by Peter, Paul & Mary. They were my father's favorite musical group. I grew up singing that song over and over. On lazy Saturdays, my dad and I would lay down on t he couch and play the CD--well, I suppose back then, it was a tape--straight through. Dad was always napping by the end. When I was nine years old, he took my mother and me to a concert of theirs; it was my first concert. I thought of all this as I ordered my Flying Saucer (it's a donut), but I did not cry.

I ate my donut.

I remembered good times.

I thought of St. Joseph. I prayed for my father, whose death was so very unhappy. I think St. Joseph understands it all: the donuts, the prayers, even the Peter, Paul & Mary song.

"The answer my friend is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind."

I'm not sure I will ever know the answer. But, I'm grateful that there is one, all the same.

My News

My father with Sophia on her first birthday.

NOT FOR YOUNG READERS

My deepest thanks to all of you for your prayers and support. I thought it best to let you all know about my situation, now that the shock has worn off a bit and I have figured out how to get my fingers to type out these words:

On the morning of March 9th, my father, Don, committed suicide.

I debated for the past week whether or not I would share the circumstances of my father's death or if I should just write that my father passed suddenly and unexpectedly. I decided, in the end, that speaking about the suicide was important. It is important because suicide is not like other deaths. Suicide is different. It brings with it unique questions, pains, and struggles. It also brings unique insight:

My father was not well. He was suffering terribly; no one knew how much.

I did not know that my father was suffering from this dark depression. Sometimes, all I could see was the pain he caused others, and though I guessed that there was pain in his own soul that caused him to lash out, I never knew how consuming that pain was. Yet, even in my ignorance, our gracious God taught me this lesson: "Choose love--offer unconditional love even to those who have hurt you, even to those who do not seem to deserve it, because I chose to love you when you hurt Me, when you hurt others. You did not deserve it, either."

In faith, some months ago, I did the hardest thing I had ever done in my life: I stopped challenging my father and offered him unconditional love and grace. Thank God, thank God that I did...while there was still time left. Today, I stand in awe and I weep with gratitude that I forgave my father when I had the chance, though he had never apologized, though he had never asked forgiveness. I know only now that he couldn't He could not face the reality or the darkness. How can I feel anything but pity? How could I be anything but merciful?

I often get emails from readers asking me how to deal with challenging family members or painful relationships. I share with you the sad, sad end to my father's life because I hope that it will inspire others to forgive and to love beyond what they thought themselves capable of. I acknowledge, still, that we should not be enablers of sin. Yet, I realize with new eyes that we can never know the state of another person's soul. I believe with all my heart that love and mercy are never wasted; they are never wrong, and when they are hardest to grant, there they are most needed.

I will spend every day of my life praying that my father finally found the loving hands of God reaching out to him in the darkness of his life. I will spend every day thanking God for granting me the grace to reach out to my father, though I did not see the darkness.

This will be a very long, arduous journey of grief, one with no closure and little consolation. Yet, God is Love and God is merciful, and God is stronger than my pain or my father's suffering or even death itself, and for that I am thankful, and in Him, I place all my hope.

I realize that, for some of you reading this, what I have said may raise more questions than answers. I imagine I will work out my grief the way I work out all other things in life: through my writing, and so I imagine some of these questions may be answered in time. In the meanwhile, I thank you all for your prayers and for your support and encouragement.

Keep Us In Your Prayers

Due to a family tragedy, I will be offline at the Apple Cider Mill for awhile, possibly through Easter. Please, keep our family in your prayers. Thank you. So as not to alarm anyone, I will share that Brian, the children, and I are all safe and in good health.

Risotto with Chicken, Tomatoes, and Pesto

The fat wasn't separting from my stock quickly enough for me to make the Chicken Barley Soup I had planned on for Sunday's lunch. So, instead, I knocked together this impromptu risotto from ingredients I had on hand. That's one of the things I love about risotto. If you have some aromatic vegetables, arborio rice, a bit of fat, and a bit of flavorful liquid (wine or, in today's case, some rich, homemade stock), you have a one-dish dinner at your fingertips!

Ingredients:

1 T butter

1 T olive oil

1 onion, diced

2 celery stalks, diced

1 c. arborio rice

3/4 c. very rich chicken stock (not broth), hot

1 15 oz. can diced tomatoes in juice

1 1/2 c. hot water

1/2 c. shredded mozzarella cheese

1/2 to 3/4 c. shredded chicken

salt and pepper

1/3 c. pesto

Directions:

Heat butter and olive oil in large saucepan. Add onion and celery and cook until translucent. Add rice and cook, stirring constantly for 1 minute, until translucent. Add stock and stir until absorbed. Add tomatoes and stir until liquid is absorbed. Add hot water in three additions, each time stirring until liquid has been absorbed. Stir in mozzarella and chicken until cheese is melted. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Serve with a large dollop of pesto on top to stir in.

Note that this recipe can be altered with a wide variety of ingredients--whatever you have on hand--so long as you first sautee the vegetables and aromomatics in fat, then add the rice and coat with fat, and slowly add the proper proportion of liquid (here we use 3 cups liquid to 1 c. rice). If you like risotto, it's always a wise idea to have a supply of arborio in the pantry.

Homemaking Tip #9: Homemade Copper Cleaner

I used to buy copper cleaner to polish my kettle, a wedding present from a dear friend back in New York. We use it every single day, several times a day, so it needs a lot of polishing!

One day, I ran out of polish and didn't feel like going to the store. Being the lazy lady that I sometimes am, I asked my husband if he would be near a hardware store in the next couple of days. He wasn't planning on it, but he did ask me if I could find a way to make a cleaner at home. I had never thought about it before. Sure enough, I found one that worked, and it's so effective and so darn cheap, I can't imagine ever buying copper cleaner again!

Mix one teaspoon salt, one tablespoon flour and enough vinegar to make a thick paste. Rub paste on surface and let dry completely. Rinse in warm soapy water, buff with clean soft cloth.

For copper that has gotten quite tarnished, bring a pot of water to which one tablespoon salt and 1 cup white vinegar has been added to the boil. Add the tarnished copper articles and allow to soak in boiling water until clean. This may take up to a couple hours, depending on the degree of the discoloration. Rinse in clean water, dry thoroughly and buff to a shine.

99 Balloons

Be prepared to sob.

Happy Birthday, Mom

My mother is a poem
I'll never be able to write,
though everything I write
is a poem to my mother.

~Sharon Doubiago

Happy birthday, Mama. I love you.

Spring Cleaning

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one."

-Mark Twain

It's that time of year again! Those of you who have followed the Apple Cider Mill for some time may remember that spring cleaning in our home comes during the season of Lent, a parallel to the cleansing work the Holy Spirit in our lives during this season of penitence, and as a preparation for the great feast of Easter!

For the past two years, I have shared my spring cleaning list with you as a way to (hopefully) inspire and spur those of you on who are refeathering your own nests. Normally, I have a schedule, assigning certain tasks to certain days, but this year, I have decided to be a little more spontaneous. Each day, excluding Sundays, I just choose one or two things off the list. The few tasks that I need Brian's help for (such as cleaning underneath the washer and dryer, because I need his help to move them), I will do on Saturdays. I'm such a type-A personality, that I'm curious how this more laid-back approach will work. I'll let you know at the end of the experiment!

So, here is the list:

• Thoroughly clean oven and stove
• Clean all drains
• Fix sink thing that overflows when dishwasher runs
• Shop for and install new sink
• Clean under kitchen sink
• Clean computer desk drawers
• New art supplies for Sophia and container to store
• Purchase Easter candy
• Wash fans and ceiling lights, including light bulbs
• Dust tops of doors and cabinets
• Wash doors and window frames
• Clean under and around washer and dryer
• Purchase containers for dry goods in pantry
• Scrub porches
• Plan Holy week menus and activities
• Organize CD collection; rip
• Polish wooden furniture
• Launder curtains
• Vacuum all upholstered furniture and window and door frames
• Organize bathroom drawers and cabinets
• Weed books and DVDs
• Sort through hopechest and other stored clothes
• Empty and reorganize all dressers
• Empty and reorganize all closets
• Vacuum inside closets
• Sort, mend, and set aside winter coats, hats, and gloves
• Clean, polish, and organize shoes
• Wash windows, inside and out, and screens
• Launder bedspreads
• Empty utensil caddy and wash
• Disinfect humidifiers and store for spring
• Disinfect all kitchen cabinets and other surfaces
• Have carpets washed

Happy cleaning!

* The Bookworm's Library has been updated: Barnyard in Your Backyard by Gail Demerow and Housekeeping by Marilynne Robinson

More and Other

And this is why we observe Lent.

"The Holiness of God is something more and other than moral perfection: His claim upon us is something more and other than the claim of moral duty. I do not deny it: but this conception, like that of corporate guilt, is very easily used as an evasion of the real issue. God may be more than moral goodness: He is not less. The road to the promised land runs past Sinai. The moral law may exist to be transcended: but there is no transcending it for those who have not irst admitted its claims upon them, and then tried with all their strength to meet that claim, and farily and squarely faced the fact of their failure."

- C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain