In Which I Ponder Balancing the Work-at-Home World

"Mother and Children" by Mary Cassat

The last novel I wrote took a lot out of me. I suppose that makes sense, considering it was 100,000 words (not counting the approximately 50,000+ I deleted at one point or another) and I wrote it in under three months. By the end, I was popping in a lot of DVDs for my daughter to watch. My house was not up to my usual standards of order. Dinners were whatever I could throw together when I forced myself to put down the laptop at 5:30, and I was frazzled and cranky most of the time.

I make it sound terrible. It wasn't really that bad, but something was definitely off on a daily basis. It's not something I could have kept up long-term. I wasn't giving my best to my family, my home, God, or myself. I had become a work-at-home-aholic.

So, when I started my most recent novel a little over a month ago, it came as no surprise that my husband was a little wary. The good news is that I seem to have learned a little something from past mistakes.

Working at home is a fabulous gig, but it takes some fenagling. It's no good working from home if you're just going to put your nose to the grindstone while you ignore the kids, ignore your husband, and ignore your home--or worse, if you fill your entire home with a negative, flustered energy that gets everyone's hackles up and turns home into a stress zone. I mean, at that point, why not just get yourself an office and hire a sitter? You'd get more work done and probably be less stressed out.

The trick, I have found, is to commit to routines, set boundaries for yourself, and then stick to both of those.

First, consider the needs of your family and home. Draw up routines that will keep your home clean, your kids healthy and happy, and you firing on all cylinders. Don't forget to schedule down-time and sleep. Run it all by your husband. Make sure you two get some time together and that he doesn't feel neglected. When you're in crunch-time for a project, you may need to cut down to the necessities for a time. Have a game plan for when you'll come out of "emergency cut-back" mode and get back to normal, so that you don't let things slide for too long.

Next, set your boundaries. In order to do this, you need to spend some time praying about your priorities. If getting that article written or getting that order shipped is consistently more important than calmly resolving a tiff between siblings, a need for snuggles or storytime with Mama, a night cuddling on the couch with your husband, cooking an enjoyable meal, or spending quality time with the Lord, then things are out of whack. Pray for God to help you put your priorities back in order and then put some boundaries around those precious things to protect their place in your life and heart.

If things are stressful right now and your life feels totally out of balance, try this sure-fire detox:

1. Put away the laptop, the files, or whatever else it is that you work on. Right now. Put them away. You can get them out again tomorrow, but right now, you need a break. So does your family.
2. Reconnect. It's time for stories on Mamas lap, a game of tag at the park, kisses, cuddles, and all the good stuff of life. Remind yourself what really matters--and remind those who matter just how much they do.
3. Pray. Find some time for serious prayer today, whether that means getting out to Mass or adoration (preferably alone if you can swing it), a rosary during the kids' afternoon quiet time, or reading Scripture in the park while the kids play, get some real one-on-one time with God.
4. Do some purposeful housework. Be really present while you chop vegetables for dinner--relish the sound of the knife on the chopping block and the crisp crunch of the celery. Really scour that bathroom, and enjoy the way your heart rate quickens and that good, tired, slightly achy feeling when you're done. Garden, and revel in the scent of the dirt and the way it feels between your fingers as you work. Whatever you do, make it some task that you really enjoy. You need to remember why you're home, and why you love it so much.

Like I said, working from home can really be the best of both worlds, but it takes some effort to remember that we're not fully in one world or the other. We have to create our own world, but then, where better to create a world than at home with those we love?

Torta Caprese: A Cabinet Cake

Just as handy as having the supplies for dinner ready on your pantry shelves is having the makings for dessert! Torta Caprese is a traditional, flourless chocolate-almond cake which hails from--you guessed it--Capri, that lovely little island off the coast of Italy. It's perfect for anyone with a gluten or wheat allergy, and delicious no matter what your dietary requirements!

My favorite recipe for this torta comes from the May 2002 edition of Bon Apetit. Very rarely do I make a recipe without any alterations, but this one is superb as is. Okay, so I do add one tiny thing: a small pinch of salt. I think it enhances the flavor of the chocolate. Oh, and I cut the lemon zest to 1/4 tsp. The 1/2 tsp. called for is a bit too overpowering for my taste. It's particularly good with Meyer lemons.

Obviously, a few ingredients (eggs, butter, lemons) are in the fridge, not the pantry, but as I always have them on hand, this still counts as a cabinet cake in our home! I hope you enjoy it as much as we do. It's very rich, so take a small slice, and as you savor it, close your eyes and imagine yourself on the isle of Capri. Mangia!

Getting Organized

"Interior with a Woman Reading" by Carl Larsson

I had been tossing around the idea of creating a homemaking journal for the past few weeks, but Mary over at Evlogia really inspired me to get down to work this evening. I'll be drawing up a two-week rotation of Spring menus for the Paschal season (Easter through Pentecost), as well as cataloguing the accompanying recipes, a list of spring desserts and recipes, a list of recipes for feast day celebrations, and a grocery shopping list.

One of my goals to streamline my homemaking (and trim my budget) is to cut down on the number of trips to the grocery store. It wastes gas; it tempts me to buy more than I need, and quite frankly, it's difficult to go grocery shopping with two kids under three! I think the sort of organization that Mary outlines so beautifully on her blog will go a long way in helping me revamp my own routines.

Have a blessed weekend, everyone!

Growing Through Motherhood @ Passionate Homemaking

"Pardon Mama" by Emile Munier

I really enjoyed Vina's post at Passionate Homemaking today:

"The most popular topics for moms these days seem to be about growing in the practice of motherhood. Few of us enter this holy profession with intentional preparation like we do the careers we choose. Often we stumble our way into it and learn as best as we can how to nurture our little ones physically, emotionally and spiritually as we go. We learn about creating routines, nourishing meals, family mission statements, and so much more. But as much as motherhood is an opportunity to grow the many skills and attitudes necessary to nurture a family and a home, I believe it also a timely gift to grow ourselves through it."

To read more, click here.

I Feel So Much Spring

“And tulips, children love to stretch
  Their fingers down, to feel in each
    Its beauty's sweet nearer.”

- Elizabeth Barrett Browning, A Flower in a Letter

 

 

The Confessions of a Cold-Water Dish-Washer

Fridays are a good time for making confessions. So here's one of mine: When I started college, I didn't know that you needed to wash dishes in hot water.

All my life, we had had a dishwasher. My mother put everything she could in it--even crystal and china, much to my father's chagrin. I suppose that is what happens when you give a dishwasher to a woman who grew up in a family of nine where everything had to be done by hand. In any case, we very rarely washed anything by hand, and if we had to, my parents did it. They both hated drying, so that was my job. I'd never stuck my hands in a sink of dirty dishes to realize that the soapy water was actually quite hot.

Well, my freshman year of college, I worked at the campus Hillel center. Among my many jobs as the resident Gentile was the washing up of the dishes from Shabbat dinner on Saturday morning, since none of my Jewish coworkers was permitted to work that day. Every week, I would go with a Dave Matthew's album to listen to on my headphones and spend a couple of hours washing all the dishes and putting them neatly away. Every week, my supervisor would ask me if I had actually been in to do the work. I'm sure she was wondering whether I was lying to her, and I became increasingly distressed that she didn't seem to believe me when I told her the truth--that I'd spent two hours every Saturday morning scrubbing those dishes. Of course, what she didn't know--and what I didn't realize was a problem--was that I'd been doing all that scrubbing in a sink of lukewarm water. The greasy dishes, which had been filled with kugels and roast chicken thighs, were still oily, and though they looked clean, they certainly didn't feel it.

Well, after several weeks, I discovered my mistake, and the Shabbat dishes were squeaky clean after that, but I never did confess to my supervisor what the problem had been. I was too embarassed. I was a capable, talented, intelligent 18-year-old, and I had been unable to successfully clean a sinkful of dishes!

I offer this tidbit of embarassing information for two reasons.

First, to let those of you who read this blog of mine know how far I have come as a homemaker in recent years. What I share with you of my housekeeping discoveries and tricks and tips are hard-won and humbly offered.

Secondly, I would encourage my younger and unmarried readers to start getting their hands dirty now! Don't put housekeeping off until after college or until you're married. Keep your things neat and organized. Clean the toilet. Do the laundry, and the ironing, too. Wash the dishes. Do these things regularly and not just when it's piled up to the breaking point. Do them properly and with care. Your family, roommates, or whoever you live with will thank you now, and you'll keep yourself out of hot water later when you have a husband and children who are relying on you to keep them safe, healthy, and comfortable in the home you're building together.

PADiLLY

I just discovered PADiLLY, a wonderful resource for creative and natural children's toys! I have been to other sites with similar themes, such as Blueberry Forest and Three Sisters, but I must say PADiLLY's stock is extensive. It's all here: HABA, Kinderkram, Holtzinger, Evi Dolls, Ravensburger, Lego, Plan Toys, Folkmanis, and more! If you have little ones (or if your now-grown-up little ones have little ones), go check this site out.

Settling Down

I was reflecting today on the importance of finding joy in the mundaneness of everyday life, of finding the thrill in being a wife to the same man (or husband to the same woman) year after year; in being mother (or father) to the same children who need to be fed three times every day and bathed and read to and hugged and disciplined; in caring for a home year in and year out, day in and day out, with all its cyclical, necessary, thankless tasks. The world spins us the tale that such a life is boring, devoid of any excitement, even pitiable. And, perhaps it is...to those who are unwilling to go deeper. To those of us who are willing, the thrills are endless and well worth the sacrifice.

[I]t is just the people who are ready to submit to the loss of the thrill and settle down to the sober interest, who are then most likely to meet new thrills in some quite different direction. The man who has learned to fly and become a good pilot will suddenly discover music; the man who has settled down to live in the beauty spot will discover gardening.

This is, I think, one little part of what Christ meant by saying that a thing will not really live unless it first dies. It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go--let it die away--go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow--and you will find that you are living in a world of new thrills all the time. But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker, and fewer and fewer, and you will be...bored [and] disillusioned...for the rest of your life.

- C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

* The Bookworm's Library has been updated: Letter to My Daughter by Dr. Maya Angelou and With God in Russia by Fr. Walter J. Ciszek

Dona Nobis Pacem

In today's gospel reading for Divine Mercy Sunday, Jesus appears to His disciples who are hiding from the Jews, locked together in a room. He appears, and the gospel says that the disciples are "filled with happiness." This may seem obvious and predictable, but actually, it's rather astonishing that they were filled only with happiness.

Think about it. They are cowering in a locked room after having denied and abandoned Christ in His hour of need, and here He comes, glorious and resurrected and clearly extremely powerful and with every right to punish them. It is miraculous that they were not also filled with fear, with trepidation, with regret and shame and anguish.

It is miraculous, but that's what Easter is all about. Miacles and mercy.

And, when Jesus appeared to this elated disciples, He could have said, "Why are you hiding here? Didn't you believe that I would rise again like I told you?" He could have said, "How could you all have abandoned me like that? Do you know how much harder it was to walk the road to Calvary knowing you had turned your backs on me?" He could have said, "O ye of little faith."

Instead, he told them, "Peace be with you." Because that's what Easter is all about.

In his homily today, the visiting priest of our sister parish in Nguludi, Malawi, brought this reflection to light, and he dwelt on the idea of this peace that Christ offers. He said,

"Some people think that justice will bring peace to our world. It is not justice that will bring peace to our world. Justice is only giving back to someone the portion that they have measured out. It will not bring peace. Forgiveness will bring peace."

Sometimes, I crave justice for this world, and that is a righteous thing to seek. But on days like today, I remember where I would be if justice were always served, and I cry out for mercy, forgiveness, and peace.

"Let the Mother Go Out to Play!"

"If mothers could learn to do for themselves what they do for their children...we should have happier households. Let the mother go out to play!"

— Charlotte Mason

 

There is a movement growing ever stronger among Christian stay-at-home wives and mothers that seems to tout Betty Friedan's greatest nightmare as a banner of honor: They hold that the wife and mother ought to have no real interests or pursuits apart from husband, hearth, and homeschool. In fact, to talk of a much-needed weekend away or yearn for an afternoon off with the girls is tantamount to dereliction of duty.

 

Of course, the issue at the root of this movement is not aversion to pedicures or days at the beach. The issue is entitlement.

 

It is true that the Feminist movement has engendered a great sense of entitlement in today's wives and mothers. We are told that we have the right to a career and a family. We are told that we have a right to expect to succeed admirably at both, while still having time and energy to exercise regularly, go shopping with our girlfriends, and spend quality alone time with our husbands. Rights aside, it is foolish to assume that we can have our cake and eat it, too. Entitlement, in the end, leads only to frustration. It increases desire while alternately diminishing pleasure. It is a vicious cycle.

 

However, I believe that there is a middle ground between complete self-denial and excessive self-indulgence. We may be called to take up our crosses each day, but we are not called to be perpetual martyrs to every desire and pleasure. If God had not intended us to enjoy this life of ours, it would not be much of a sacrifice for us to lay it down for Him. The great test is to enjoy the gift while ever being ready to relinquish it if called upon, but not peremptorally.

 

So, how do we balance our own desires for fun and leisure with our very real and noble calling to serve our families in the homes God has blessed us with?

 

First, we must glean as much enjoyment as we can from our everyday activities. If housework, childcare, and meal preparation feel like chores, then you're doing things wrong. Pray for vision. Look at things with new eyes. Take a day off, if need be to gain perspective, and then return with an attitude of fun, adventure, and gratitude.

 

Secondly, we must thoughtfully and prayerfully consider outside pursuits, apart from our husbands, children, and homes. I am not trying to say that you need to get away from your spouse, kids, or house on a regular and lengthy basis in order to be a complete person. I am a stay-at-home mother and wife, and I find this life very fulfilling. It is where God has called me, and I find my greatest contentment and satisfaction in being what and where He has ordained. Nonetheless, there are many things and people that I love which are not contained within the four walls of my home. It is worthwhile to invest in these, as well, even if not as much or as often as I once did while single and childless. I have to be more selective in my choices now. I have found this to be a good thing. It takes a little more work, but it is worth it. Remember, choose thoughtfully, prayerfully, wisely, and with the loving support of your husband. Don't rush full steam ahead expecting to be able to have bi-monthly spiritual retreats and weekly manicures. Although, if you get to, my hat is off to your support network! Remember, it's not about entitlement, it's about balance and perspective and serving God by being true to ourselves as He created us.

 

Thirdly, we must do as Charlotte Mason said: "go out to play!" I believe she meant this literally. Go out. Outside. Get out of the house, with kids and hubby may be even better, but go out! Cabin fever is a sure recipe for a dreary, quarrelsome home. If you don't have a yard, go to a park. If you don't have a park, go to the museum. If you can't afford a trip to the museum, go to the library. You get the idea. Even a weekly grocery shopping trip can be a pick-me-up for everyone if you've been cooped up too much. Don't think that in order to serve your household you have to be in your home all the time.

 

Finally, to take Miss Mason at her word again, "...play!" There is nothing more charming to a husband, more endearing to a child, more welcoming to a guest than a spirit of play. Cultivate it, to the glory of God. Your home will be happier and healthier for it.

The Very Short Distance Called Hope

[Not for young readers.]

When my father hanged himself, the general consensus on the state of his soul seemed to come from two camps.

In the first camp, there were those who said, "Now his suffering is over; he's in a better place." In my grief, I imagined that they were insincere, that they said it out of habit, because that is what you say when you have no strong conviction of life after death. Perhaps this was uncharitable or at least unfair. Regardless, I could not swallow it, and the sugar-coated consolation grated, saccharine in my mouth, as I smiled and nodded, too weary to argue or even disagree.

The second camp covered me in blankets of compassion and pity and told me that they hoped the Spirit would guide me when I did not know how to pray. They did this because they had no more hope for my father. Their understanding of God's mercy did not extend to him any longer. From their perspective, there could be no salvation for this errant man who strayed so far from God that he took his own life. This perspective came with conviction and charity, and it was not saccharine but bitter, rankling in my gut and tempting me to give in to the hopelessness, to say good-bye forever.

But, I did not give in.

For, there is always hope.

Catholicism is unique among the sects of Christianity for its teachings on life after death. Rather than speaking of our "assurance of salvation," we Catholics speak of our hope of salvation. We are the last people on earth to say that everyone is going to Heaven. We are also the last people on earth to say that any given person is not going to Heaven. We are accused of believing in "salvation by works," but this is untrue. We believe in salvation by grace--grace alone--and we cling to the hope of that grace. We know only that we can never know the state of another person's soul, and we put all our hope in the Hands of the God who created all souls and knows them utterly.

A woman once came to St. John Vianney for consolation and spiritual guidance after her husband committed suicide by jumping off of a bridge. The woman despaired, "Father, my husband has not been to Mass or received the sacraments in years! He committed adultery; he was wicked and unjust, and now he has died a double death of body and soul."

St. John Vianney answered her, "Madam, there is a very short distance between the bridge and the water--but it is that distance which forbids you to judge."

There is a very short distance between the jump and death at the end of a rope, but it is that distance which gives me hope. It is that distance which is hope.

The Responsibility of a Writer

"Lady Writing a Letter" by Johannes Vermeer

"Every genuine art form in its own way is a path to the inmost reality of man and of the world. It is therefore a wholly valid approach to the realm of faith, which gives human experience its ultimate meaning. That is why the Gospel fullness of truth was bound from the beginning to stir the interest of artists, who by their very nature are alert to every “epiphany” of the inner beauty of things."

- Bl. Pope John Paul II

First and foremost, I am a Christian. I am also an artist.

As an artist, I have a twofold responsibility: first and foremost to God, but secondly, to truth. And, these two responsibilities are, in fact, one in the same, for God is truth, and truth is God.

It is an interesting thing, this gig of being an artist of faith. Because all that I write comes from God and is for the glory of God, and yet I do not simply spend all my time writing about God. Sometimes I do, it's true. Sometimes, when I write religious nonfiction, articles primarily, posts on this blog. That's when it's easy to reconcile my responsibilities.

But then, I also write fiction.

I have always been frustrated with the prevailing attitude among groups of faithful Christians that Christian writers should only and ever write about God or, at the very least, devote their talents exclusively to writing morality tales with clear delineations of good guys (Christians of their own particular sect) and bad guys (everyone else). I have seen a lot of this type of thing in the marketplace, and it does sell within a certain niche. But, it is not particularly good art. Frankly, if you get right down to it, it is not even Christian. Because it isn't true.

For art to be Christian, it must be true. It must look humanity in the face and, as Shakespeare once put it, "hold a mirror up to nature." And, let's be honest, life isn't a morality tale. It is certainly not black-and-white; often, life is not even just. To pretend otherwise is a lie. It may get nods from the choir, but it is never going to change anyone or bring them closer to God.

As St. Francis de Sales, the patron of writers, once said, "The test of a preacher is that his congregation goes away saying, not What a lovely sermon, but, I will do something!" Writers, like preachers, have the same commission--to change lives, to inspire readers to do something. The commission of a Christian writer is a bit more specific: we are called to inspire readers to seek truth, in the hope that this search will lead them to Truth Itself. But, to inspire this search, we must first tell the truth.

I muse sometimes over the thought that some of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ would probably disapprove, at least in part, of my fiction writing. They would prefer, perhaps, that my characters did not swear. They would be shocked that my protagonists do not attend church. They might even be furious that some of my Christian characters are painted as, well, not exactly as the bad guys, but not as the good guys, either. My denouments do not include cut-and-dry conversion experiences. My characters sin. But, that's life. And, when the voices of well-intentioned censorship pipe up, I have to resond, "That's life. Would you prefer that I lie?"

Happy Easter!

"Easter Morning" by Caspar David Friedrich

"And He departed from our sight that we might return to our heart, and there find Him. For He departed, and behold, He is here."

~St Augustine

Remember

"Crucifixion and Saints" by Andrea del Castagno

Peccavi nimis cogitatione, verbo et opere: mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
Jesus, remember me when you come into your glory.

One ha'penny, two ha'penny... (Repost)

[This is a repost from last year, but I've set a little reflection to post at 3 PM in remembrance of Our Lord's Death. May you all have a Blessed Good Friday--remember to fast!]

Good Friday blessings to all my Christian readers. For those who aren't Christian, Good Friday is the day on which Christians all over the world commemorate the Passion and Death of Jesus Christ. It is the single day of the year when Catholics do not partake of the Eucharist (the Body and Blood of Christ), to remember that, on this day two millenia ago, the world lay in darkness, waiting for the Resurrection of Our Lord. And, so we wait in somber thought, in reflection, in fasting, in mourning... for the glorious celebration of Easter Sunday.

A British tradition on this day is to serve Hot Cross Buns for breakfast. These are spicy, current studded buns marked either with icing or pastry dough in the shape of a cross. The spices remind us of the myrrh in the manger, the nard that Mary poured on Jesus' feet, the burial spices which the women brought to the tomb. The cross reminds us to meditate upon His Passion.

Here are the ones my family shared this morning. I must confess, I'm not sure how sweet rolls became traditional fare for a day of fasting, but there you have it.

I encourage my Christian brothers and sisters, on this holy day, to take time to recall the great Sacrifice of our Lord, Jesus. Pray the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary. Meditate on the Passion and Death of Our Lord. Cover the crosses and religious images in your home with black fabric, to commemorate His Death. Read the Gospel accounts of the Passion. Watch Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ. Attend services tonight; if you are Catholic, notice how the absence of the Eucharist affects you. Have a simple fish dinner (this has been a tradition in my family since childhood); fish have long been a symbol for Christ, and they align with the fasting restrictions for the day, which forbid the eating of flesh meat. You may with to consider observing an hour (or even a few minutes) of silence in your home at 3 PM, the hour when Jesus died upon the Cross. Some families observe three hours of silence, from noon until 3 PM, during which time Jesus hung upon the Cross before His Death. As you notice the silence and are aware of how difficult it is not to speak, remember that Jesus was crucified for those three hours, never crying out in pain! Get your whole family together and thank God for His unfathomable Love.

Whatever you choose to do, do take some time to recall the significance of this holy day, and spend some time in the presence of the Lord who loves you so much, He gave His Life for you! Blessings upon you during this Blessed Triduum.

Pedicures for Holy Thursday

In the evening Mass tonight, priests around the world will wash the feet of twelve congregants, recalling how Christ washed the feet of His disciples at the Last Supper. I was thinking about this ritual this morning, and it gave me an idea: pedicures for Holy Thursday!

Why not consider offering pedicures or foot massages as a sort of corporal act of mercy and a little act of service today? The possibilities are virtually endless.

• A teenage girl might invite some of her unbelieving friends over for a pedicure party where she treats them all to some lovely polish, maybe in a themed color, such as Passion (as in, of the Christ) or Chapel of Love (Chapel, get it?), or you could paint the nails like Easter eggs!
• If you already volunteer at a nursing home or senior living community, you might like to offer pedicures and massages to the residents! My grandmother had never had a pedicure until her eighties, and she raved about it.
• You could treat members of your own family. Young readers, are you listening? Mom--and maybe Dad, too--would probably jump at the offer of a foot massage after a long day.

Whatever you do, be sure to remember why you're doing it: to serve others as Christ served. If appropriate, you might want to share with those you are serving the impetus behind the kind gesture. You could even invite them to Mass with you tonight to see the priests washing the feet of the congregants. If they get selected for the ceremony, they'll have the best dressed feet in the place, and the blessing of loving fellowship to boot!